Notions (Not Always Confident)

It was on this year's Ash Wednesday that I was summoned to my mentor's office. I was busy snapping pictures with the white gown I intentionally wore on the day almost everyone wore black to school. 

As I arrived to her office, she asked me a couple of questions which later ended with my being told to choose a topic to work on for a paper. At that time, I didn't even know the first thing about academic paper or anything. Everything she was saying was gibberish in my ears but I was nodding like agama lizard. 

"Okay, I will do it," I said.

The next day, I came back with an attempted abstract on a topic on Igbo Language, of which the guidelines for writing, I had gotten from Google. 

She later sent me another document, this time on CBAAC, an organisation which is an offshoot of the FESTAC77 and said to draft another abstract, that I would be presenting a paper. The conference was going to be at the end of the month at UniBen, and the accommodation and transportation was free. It was a nice catch and I said "why not"

Meanwhile, in my head, I was low-key hoping that I wouldn't get an affirmation on the new abstract. Less than 3 days after I was submitted, they accepted it and said to begin working on the topic. I had less than 2 weeks to complete the paper as the conference was scheduled to hold then. 

Okay oo. I didn't know how academic paper writing worked. And I wasn't going to be the person asking about even the smallest of details. I hate being the ignorant one, so off to Google again - browsed the step-by-step methods, even when I didn't have a clue of what I was writing. The deadline was in less than a month.

Then Covid happened. The kain inner joy and jubilation I had ehn. I immediately rushed and emailed the CBAAC to confirm that the conference wouldn't hold again. They replied in the affirmative, that it had been postponed until further notice. I did more 'awilo' dance in my head.

Until I received a mail less than a week to the deadline, that regardless of the postponement, the papers should be submitted on the deadline. Merd oo. I pushed together my half-assed input and sent to my mentor for correction, a day to the deadline.

Let's just say that the review and admonishment I got is better left unmentioned, and I had less than a day to correct and mail to the CBAAC. It was as if NEPA people wanted to joke with me and took the light. I was sweating and praying that my laptop doesn't shut down before everything was done. I succeeded and emailed it and forgot about it.

A few months later, I got a brief from the CBAAC. They are considering making it a virtual conference. I didn't even look at the mail twice. I figured that if it's that, ayam nnor doing again sef. They will not even notice my absence at all.

A few weeks later, a personnel from the CBAAC called me on phone. "Aah, this one I cannot run away from oo, laidis." The man said they didn't see my paper. My cowardly mind inserted at this point, "that if they lost it, it means the universe doesn't want me to present." But I am woke enough that I don't ascribe such happenings to anything. This is all on me.

I nearly chimed in to him, "Aah, and I don't even have a spare again." But not only would it reflect negatively on my name, even my 5 year old self will slap me for that stupid lie. Eez nor possible for me to be that careless.

Me, that the first exam I wrote in my JSS1 and all the subsequent exams I had written in secondary school, down to Waec and Neco, I still have both the question papers and my answer sheets till now, I'll now lose an academic paper. Infact, even the first assignment I wrote in Unn, I still have the document copy, it's now academic research paper that I'll lose. Me that duplicate things to my internal storage, memory card, laptop and my accounts in Google drive (and I have 3 functional mail addresses).

I called myself out. This my mentality of wanting to chicken out will so much disappoint, not just my mentor, but my person. Will I look back in years to come and be proud of my actions or would I be regretful? How can I say that I am "becoming" if I am not taking on ventures that scare me.

I also remembered a post by Bamidele Salako, which he said, "Sometimes, you need to take a long and hard look at yourself in the mirror and reflect on the things that your fears and self doubt have deprived you in life. Now go and act like someone who has had enough and has learned his lesson."

My own reflection went as far back to age 4, when I chickened out of a group calisthenics dance because my family barbed my hair (ironic cos I rocked barbed hair to this presentation). My primary school, when I missed assembly when it was my turn to act a drama/cast news. My secondary school where I wobbled aimlessly, never attended the tests for mathematics competitions, never showed up for singing presentations.

I hadn't had many glaring things it deprived me of. But, if I continue this route, it would cost me in the future. And so, I snapped outta it and sent my paper in again. 

Later, I got this brief to choose whether I'll be present at the venue or connecting virtually. Me eeh, I dislike travelling, especially alone. Infact, I don't like going out at all and it didn't even occur to me to check in with my mentor to see if she'll be going. So because I wasn't about to travel alone, I just decided I would connect virtually. They now said, I should prepare PowerPoint presentation.

Aah, again? Another one? My people, I've never done a PowerPoint presentation in my whole life. But I can't run from it forever, there's always a first time. And woe betide me to open mouth and say, "I don't know how to do it." I even thought, "aah, am I not a young/small person again eeh? What kinda unnecessary tasks bụ all of these things?"

Simply put, "I was scared of it all. Ezigbo ụjọ nọ na-atụ m" but I was masking it with gazillion ass excuses - I can shaa give excuses for Africa if it's that one.

On fear,  a twitter user I follow, Moechiveous has this to say "Nobody ever takes on a project 100% confident. So you'd better learn how to cope with fear and execute that project afraid." 

It was getting clearer to me that this is adulthood and responsibilities, even the ones that will shape my future is coming out now. I decided I would face it square on. Afterall, no be 16-18 year olds are presenting conference papers in global organisations and I'm here being a freaking coward.

So, being scared is part of it. In fact you should be scared. I read somewhere that "if your dreams/projects doesn't scare you, then it's not big enough." 

I put on my big geh boots and said, "Chinenye, you must do this oo. If you flunk, then you did it at 20 years old. You won't wait till you are 30 before you have your first experience. You won't wait till you're 30 before you have your first flunk, and better it being at this age than then. Plus, no one ever died from embarrassment (not that I know of anyways)."

And so my rehearsals began. I came down with an illness two weeks to the conference. I couldn't breathe well. They said, I had gotten fat and wasn't exercising well, so the fat was constricting my chest. As I was convalescing, I just continued rehearsing my paper presentation in my head. I cannot come and fall hand like that naa. I can't afford to make mistakes when it comes to matter like this.

Plus, this is a topic that I liked, "Nollywood, Igbo Culture and Values: An Appraisal." I have even written a post about my views on the Industry on Igbo Culture sometime back, so this is something I am conversant with.

And so, I accepted the challenge. 

I'm scared - Check 

But practicing everyday - Check 

I am set to go. 

Less than a week to the presentation, my area has a high voltage issue and my laptop was affected just like that. I was grateful that I was done with the PowerPoint preparation then. I had to browse if there's a way to not only connect to Zoom on mobile, but how to incorporate PowerPoint presentation onto it.

I would say it didn't go horribly. It went great, if I should say so myself. I am proud of myself that I embarked on this experience. More accolades to Dr. Ngozi Anthonia Obi-Ani for her ever persistent presence, keeping me on my toes both literally and at the back of my mind.

Is there any perspire and aspire to inspire in this post? Abeg find am somehow, I'm sure e dey there somewhere. I no get strength to conclude, Lol😂😂😂

Ngwanụ, nọdụ nụ ọfụma. Ka emesịa.