Notions (Apathy)

On apathy

Is that part of adulthood too?

The lack of interest and enthusiasm towards anything and everything. Is that it?

The other day, I had a déjà vu, like I had gone through this before. But other than not recalling whether or not I had, the liveliness was not present. Makes me wonder whether it has a correlation with being of age.

I miss the excitement and awestruck feeling I had in childhood. Those first experiences and the perception of such incidents with child-like wonderment.

Of gradually learning the act of operating technologies: phones, systems, TV

Of the excitement that comes with boarding buses and viewing billboards through the windows panes of said buses

Of making out meanings of the advertisements and somewhat picturing oneself as either being an ambassador or face of the brand

Of the constant thrill of celebrations like New Year, New Month and sending of messages and calls to friends

Of the elation of new classes, schools, gifts e.t.c

Of the frenzy over trivial mistakes that would be so insignificant compared to the errors of adulthood

Of naiveté and gradual learning, emphasis on the zeal to learn

Of first visits, to markets, hospitals, offices, schools, establishments, etc

Of amazement towards services of some vocations, 'how did the plumber do this?' How did the carpenter construct that?' etc

Of the hysteria that 'you are still being  controlled' and you want out of the restrictions

And etcetera 

Maybe it's Nigeria, that dwindles the energy. You're constantly beaten down that you don't even try to express any atom of vigor because it just might be squashed before you even relish in the feeling

Your adolescence ignorance have paved way to reality that you are stuck in an unprogressive country, one which you've got no other choice than to fight tooth and nail to survive. It's like you're back to the stone age, 'Survivial of the fittest' but the difference is that the society is supposed to be saner in this era but it's not. 

It's like all of the eagerness has been smashed by the system. Suddenly, all that you thought was going to be ideal keeps rolling back and spitting in your face. To add to that, life keeps throwing challenges and you're cannot help but accept that 'this life eeh, is not as it seems.'

Hence, you become impassive in the state of events that otherwise would have been faced with keen interest. You become detached, not invest so much because 'life happens' and then you gaze upon being with the lens of an adult ergo lethargy.

In retrospect, it could be my person, just maybe it's me. Because these days, I am totally unnerved and apathetic to a whole lot of things, that would have pumped a surge of emotions onto me. 

Mayhaps, I am gradually becoming more impassive than I usually would. All the same, I wished that I had put more gusto in my infancy, not overtly exuberant then but that I dallied more into taking it a day at a time instead of anticipating adulthood as much as I did then...

And that I at least documented those moments, so that even if I can't remember, I would be able to reminisce with the writings of a child.

But like it's said, 'If wishes were horses...'