Notions (Christianity is a Joke)

N.B: This should have been posted on Sunday though.

I almost gorged my eyes out in today's service. Today's my first visit to our Anglican parish since ending of 2018. Coincidentally, today is Synod so the priest wasn't even around. A guest speaker was introduced with Evang., Apostle, Pastor, Dr. bla bla bla.

One would have thought he had content with the way he was introduced. We were in for a rude awakening. The sermon was worse off than even the preaching I did while I was in secondary school. I kept rolling my eyes that it felt loosened from my sockets. I was desperately praying for the service to end cos my eyelids were drooping. I continued slipping in and out of consciousness in the church.

I was hearing bits and pieces though. He proclaimed one that I couldn't hold the "Hei" that escaped my lips. 

Yeah, it was that bad.

Of course, he ended with donation. More of a token for prayers or something. Started with 3k. People weren't exactly cooperating so he went down to 1k. He said it's a "Seed of sacrifice" to abort spiritual pregnancy, which had absolutely nothing to do with the preaching he did today.

He claimed he wouldn't go down in the cash anymore, that it's the cash enough to buy something with blood - a chicken sacrificial tool. At this point, I was literally banging my head against the wall. 

Just when I was hoping that all the charade will end so I'll go back home, the next thing I heard "Those with 500 should come up. That he wants to be inclusive."

I burst out laughing. As I was still a giggling fit, Oga said, "Ngwa, Just put your hand in your pocket and bring out 200 naira. I want everyone to be at the altar. Bring your 200 and rush to the altar." My laughter was uncontrollable at this point.😂😂😂😂

He even said, if you aren't with the money now, to come out and promise you'd redeem it the next day.

And I'd thought I was the only one with the notion till I heard my neighbours giggling too. 

One said, "I'm leaving immediately after offering, abeg. How can this person be keeping us up to this point for 6 o'clock service?"

The other guy said, "Nwoke a amarọ aka ụka at all. Ọ maghị ihe ọ na-eme." 

Lmao 😂😂😂, I was beyond hysterical in the church at this point.

The guest speaker wasn't about giving up. He took over the order of service in praying for offertory. He then said, "While coming for offering, come along with the donation for Synod."

I was exhausted. I looked over to look for my family and they'd already left the building. As I was leaving (after the offering), I heard him announcing that the next offering will be donation for the Synod - that the band should keep singing.

My parents were fuming as we left. "I'm surprised the didn't ask for Seed of Faith. They have absolutely no right to demand for a specific sum for prayers." My father added, "He should have come down to 100 naira, ndị ara."

He then narrated a video that went viral about a pastor who said 31 people are instructed to sow 1k each. When more than double of the number came out, he said "All of them are welcome. That he said to one, doesn't exactly mean one per se. Everyone can partake in the blessings of a specific number"

My people said something that I wish we'd even adhere to, "this kinda stuff makes one desist from going to church. Mmadụ nille nọdụ na be ha wee kpepụtaba onwe ha."

By Jove, Organised Religion is a Joke. I can't shout!