Notions (On 20)

Fuck!

So I had to start with a cuss word.

2.0.

It's scary y'all

I give off a demeanor of "ready to take on the world, goals, visions and stuffs". I look ever serious, tough, no bullshit and already penned down plans for the world.

But that's not exactly true!

So how do I feel?

Old!

Really old!

I just want to go back to primary school. I'm sure what most people expect to see is "I love the lady I am becoming, the time of getting into the 20s" but all I can feel and see is, "You're getting older this girl. What have you got to show for it. You'd be out of this somewhat solace in a year, and you have what?"

At the beginning of this year, I was so excited. I'd even told my siblings that I must take studio pictures to commemorate my joining the 20s club. A few days down the January lane, I was on a low, confused, lost, downtrodden, bitter, angry, sad, adrift among other things. I lacked direction, focus, and plain ass tired of the Nigerian system.

I'm not going to lie. Nothing much has changed. To an extent, I still feel some of the above, taking it a day at a time. I've only read about 5 books since this year started, totally unlike me. I've not enrolled in any online schooling, neither have I learnt any skill this year.

A few weeks back, a friend told me that a coursemate told her awhile back that "I'm too smart to be just this, just a student."

And that struck me, that someone held me in that esteem. But then again, it makes me feel like an imposter, that I'm being deceptive to myself and to others.

I can't really pinpoint any excuse, that I'm not making much efforts. That I'm not pushing myself to be more than just "this", that I'm being mediocre y'all.

Or maybe I know, and It bothers me.

It's sad but I'm too tired to try. It's like, "Take it a bit easy, you're rushing. There's no need to rush" but that's a lie. Abi I was just in my teens just yesterday and now, I'm 20. 

They say "age is a number" but the world is evolving and the younger ones are taking on the world and I hate that I'm whining instead of taking actions. I'd have been like "Suck it up and get on with your life" but the system already deprives you of the ability to dream.

I remember the poem we read as Literature in secondary, "The Panic of Growing older" I crammed it then. I woke up this morning, tryna remember the lines and browsed the poem for remembrance.

"At 20, stilled with by hope of gigantic success, time and exploration. 

At thirty a sudden throb of pain. Laboratory tests have nothing to show. 

Legs cribbed in domesticity allow, no sudden leaps at the noon now.

Copybook bisected with red ink and failures nothing to show the world"

I feel like I'm in the 30s in the excerpt above. I do have that "Panic of growing older"

I'd always think, come 2021, you'd be outta this institution. Then what!!!

***

I just want to be lazy for awhile(yep, I know: a little sleep, a little slumber and poverty will come upon you like a vagabond) but I just want to be in that phase. Maybe it's an age crisis or whatever, but I'm not about to do other than just "Take it a day at a time"

My brother called me by 12 and I was ranting. I'd vented my bitterness about where I am and he said, "Chinenye, one thing ị need ị ma bụ that there's always going to be opportunities. You didn't get exactly what you wanted, so what? You're in school to garner knowledge and if you get other things done, then that's a bonus. That's okay. You're 20 this year abi, there are other programs, other engagements that you can do through your life. You've got food to eat, you pay your dues, accomodation on time and most importantly, you are healthy and you're alive. That's the most important thing. As long as there's life, you'd keep pushing"

I'm plus 1 today and frankly, I don't feel anything different other than, "This adulthood is not funny in the least"

But all the same, I'm 20 today and I'm grateful to my creator. I see y'all updates, on my personality and it's overwhelming. Moreso, cos it's not all these them overtly praises and shit. It can't be, if numerous persons are reiterating same things.

I don't know how my 20s will unfold but imma face it head on. I'd be open to chances and opportunities. I'm looking at my life and thinking, "All of these, the confusions, the imaginations, the aspirations, the setbacks, the anger, angst, all of them: imma look back and say 'It is all part of my growth'

Selah!